


Space Opera: Sombreros and Tacos

by Mari_and_Su



Category: Fifth Element (1997), Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Space Opera Extras
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-02-11 01:55:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2048940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mari_and_Su/pseuds/Mari_and_Su
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Happy Birthday, Su!</p>
<p>A pre-Space Opera timeline one shot. The two woman crew of the Genrou go to Kowloon for Su's birthday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"I want a sombrero! And a taco! And an eeeeeegg rooooooll!" Su bounced up and down in the co-pilot's chair, kicking her legs as her hands danced maniacally in the air above her. "I wanna get drunk! And hook up with a red-head!" Mari couldn't help but laugh at her first mate's zeal. The woman was inordinately pleased at the prospect of aging another year, a thing that most everyone did automatically without needing much encouragement or congratulations. But not Su. "It's gonna be my birthdaaaay! And I want to paaaaarty!"

The question was where exactly Mari could possibly ever locate that laundry list of requests. A sombrero, a taco, an egg roll, a redhead and booze? Maybe she should just dump Su with Starwind and let him figure out the rest?

No, she could never do that to the poor pirate.

Unless... No. No. It was too cruel. But, wait, how could she have forgotten?! There was only one place wretched and bizarre enough to contain all those things, and more.

Kowloon.

Formerly Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Well, the end of the universe as it had been known when it was built. Now it was more accurate to call it the restaurant at Frogstar World B, the restaurant that had until recently been believed to occupy a temporal anomaly that allowed you to view the end of the universe. As it would turn out, it was merely an elaborate hologram broadcast just beyond the venue's many expansive windows. What folks wouldn't do to make a buck. When the news had broke, the owners merely chuckled, shaking their heads - you didn't actually believe it was real, did you? - before stripping and refurbishing the whole thing, creating an overly elaborate Polynesian themed cantina in its place. Volcanos exploded beyond the windows, hula girls swayed carelessly under palm trees, and nude natives swam through crashing waterfalls. Robotic wait staff rolled between tables with heated carts, pushing strange approximations of old-timey ethnic food on diners. And most importantly, the liquor flowed.

Not as lucrative as the end of the universe, but it drew enough of a certain element. Like Su. Still kicking her legs, still waving her arms, but this time shrieking for a cocktail from the bartender as they settled into their booth at the restaurant. "...and I want it in the coconut that looks like a monkey!" Su bounced excitedly, her elaborate hat slipping from her head to dangle down her back. As Mari righted the oversized accessory, the younger woman seized her enthusiastically around the neck, happy thanks squealed into her ear. And that's when Mari saw him. Sitting at a quiet table for one, tucked under a faux palm frond. Casually smoking as he gave a lopsided smile over his drink.

Korben.

Or more specifically, her former superior, Major Korben Dallas. She hadn't seen him for the better part of six years. Not since she had left the Alliance. Back then he was all polished boots and neatly pressed wool, same as her. He had threaded in and out of her life since she had joined Academy, always several steps above her from the time she had first set foot into summer space camp to the moment he was promoted to Major. He was damn good, and he knew it. The perfect soldier with the perfect job, the perfect skills, the perfect everything. He was everything she had wanted to be, and for a time everything she had wanted, when she had worn a uniform. The last place in the 'verse she expected to find him was all the way out here, nursing something Mari was fairly sure was strong enough to be flammable, even topped with an innocuous umbrella.

His eyes raised to meet hers, and he cast her a smile she would have killed to be on the receiving end of back in her Alliance days. His eyes were hazy with drink as he looked her over slowly, like a cut of meat. Mari chuckled, realizing suddenly that the man had no damn idea who she was.

Good. It could stay that way.

"Who you makin' eyes at, Cap?" Su flipped up her ridiculous hat, pressing her cheek against Mari's to follow her gaze just as Mari tried to turn away.

"No one, just some-"

"Well hellooooooo there, Mr. Drinkin'-Alone-No-Lady-In-Sight." Su whistled loudly. "Not a redhead, but he'll do in a pinch, hey?" The girl was on her feet in half a heartbeat, smoothing the front of her sundress and tilting her hat at a rakish angle before scooping up her cocktail.

"Uh... Su? I really don't think... you want... to... fuck." Mari tried to stop her, but her argument fell on deaf ears as Su ignored her, sauntering over to the table and flouncing down next to the man before he knew what hit him, his gaze snapping from Mari's to take in the grinning outlaw at his side. Mari sighed, tossing back her bourbon and flagging down one of the robotic servers to order another, doubling it for good measure. The bartender didn't waste any time, a neat glass of amber liquid placed in front of her as she cradled her head in her hands. With a sigh, she lifted the small toothpick umbrella. "Always with the umbrellas, here." She scowled at the bits of fruit for soaking up her overpriced bourbon before popping the stem into her mouth, pulling one of the bourbon soaked pineapples from it with her teeth just as a loud cackle sounded behind her.

"Soooooooooo... this is Mari!" Mari turned, eyes wide and umbrella hanging from her lips as she looked up to find Su dragging Korben across the restaurant and back to their table. "Mari, Korben. Korben, Mari." Su released his arm, letting him settle himself into their booth before flopping down beside him. "He's now officially invited to my birthday party." Su winked boldly as her lips seized upon her straw, striving to make it seem like a dignified action.

"Pleasure." He unconsciously echoed Su's wink, a slow smirk spreading over his face as he brought his drink to his mouth once more.

"I'm sure." Mari's mind suddenly spun with questions she didn't know if she wanted to ask, so she pushed them to the side, sliding a cigarette out of the pack on the table and dropping it between her lips instead. She inclined her chin toward Dallas, and he obligingly lit the end, his eyes lingering on hers as she took a deep drag. A loud slurp broke through the moment, Mari's eyes flicking to Su's across the table as she blew the smoke from the corner of her mouth. The look on the girl's face was unmistakable.

MY _birthday, Cap'n._  But outwardly Su only giggled, clapping a hand to her mouth.

"Sorry! Ignore me. Tell us about yourself, Korben."

He shrugged, taking a deep drink from his glass. "Not much to tell. Drive a cab Earth-side. Takin' my requisite two weeks planet hopping."

"Oh, c'mon." Su purred, leaning into him. "I know there's more to you than that. I can tell."

"Can you?" Mari and Korben spoke at the same time, eyes meeting once again as their faces lightly creased with amusement. When he spoke, it was to Mari, the birthday girl all but forgotten as he related a story Mari already knew too well.

"Well, used to be military. You know how it is, bustin' my ass, climbing the ranks. Get's boring, though, day in, day out, always marching to someone else's orders. Retired. Drivin' the cab gets me out of the house."

Mari nodded thoughtfully. "A man like you can't stay tied down too long, huh?" She let a lazy smile crawl across her face as her belly warmed with her bourbon. "More of the love 'em and leave 'em type?" He chuckled low.

"I guess you could say that. If that's the type they're lookin' for."

"Oh look. It's Wash. I better go say hey." Su's dry, flat voice summoned Mari's attention for the briefest of moments. An eye-roll, a shake of her head, and Su was gone, lost in the bustling crowd of androids and humanoids. Korben watched her swaying hips go a moment before turning back to Mari, leaning in closer as he signaled for another round.

"And you, Miss Mari? Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?" His gravelly voice danced up her spine, her shoulders shrugging with the pleasure of this possible conquest, so long vaunted in her mind. For the first time in her life, she had the upper hand with him, and he didn't even remember who she was.

"Captain Mari, actually." she corrected him casually as she took a pull from her cigarette, letting the smoke unfold in the space between them. "Well... that brazen lass is first mate on my ship – the  _Genrou_. We run trouble more often than not, though we try to stay right with the law best we can. Not easy with a girl like that wrapped up in the operation."

"I can imagine."

"I bet you can. You look like you've seen your fair of... exploits since your days in the Alliance."

"I guess you could say that. Always looking for some new excitement, though." That was it. She refused to play this game of cat-and-mouse any longer. Mari had never been a girl to play games with her men, even ones she'd played subordinate to in her formative years.

"Korben, would you like a tour of my ship? I think you'll find it very... exciting."

"I think you may be right, Captain Mari. I think you may be right." he grinned as the ordered drinks appeared at their elbows.

"Cheers."

At the bar, Su shook her head, turning her gaze from the pair and mournfully returning to her monkey-headed beverage. "Happy Birthday to Su, I guess..."

"Is it your birthday?" A voice came from her side. "How lovely. Shall I buy you a drink? Gin and tonic, perhaps?"

Her grin had already returned to spread wide across her face when Su turned to her new friend. "Why not? Name's Su."

"Ford."

"Lovely."

* * *

Somehow, Mari found herself on Su's side of their once shared table, Korben's hand sliding over her thigh as she downed the last of her drink, the liquor making her bold, and just a touch stupid, as her fingertip traced a scar on his arm. He leaned in close, his own voice clumsy with drink. Rumbling in her ear and setting the hairs on the back of her neck on edge. "So, Mari... about that tour." A wicked grin crossed her lips as she swallowed the last burning drop, tongue darting out to sweep the lingering traces off her lips.

"Silly me, how could I forget." Mari purred, tossing a fistful of bills on the table before pulling Korben up after her by the front of his shirt. She had enough presence of mind to try to scan the bar for Su, but she couldn't find the girl anywhere. Not that she looked terribly hard, what with Korben's breath tickling the hair behind her ear as he followed a bit too closely, his hand reaching for her hip in a delightfully inappropriate way as he followed her from the restaurant and into the sprawling docking port outside its doors.

Su was a big girl, she could find her own way back to the ship.

"So where is it?" She felt his lips graze her ear as she scanned the lot, looking for her much-loved rust bucket of a ship and finding... nothing. Nothing at all. Just an empty space where  _Genrou_ had once been docked.

"No." Mari whirled in place, checking the row forward and the row behind. "Oh, I am going to KILL her!"


	2. Chapter 2

Su woke face down in a pillow, something warm and wet lapping at her hand as she cracked an eyelid and regretted it instantly. She felt like she had been hit upside the head with a brick. A particularly vengeful brick. One with tiny brick hands and feet, and tiny brick steel-toed boots. A hiccup roiled her stomach, and the sour tang in the back of her throat revised her stance. That horrible brick seemed to have a nice lemon twist to it. The lapping continued, a soft whine accompanying it as a wet nose made its way into her face, Laika's tongue following to lick the remaining taco sauce off of her cheek.

"Ugh, piss off mutt." Su pushed the dog away, rolling onto her back and right off the bed as her stomach revolted, emptying its contents onto the floor of what appeared to be, upon closer inspection, her bunk. She managed to scramble to the head before the second bout caught her, leaving her retching until she thought there was nothing left, her head falling to rest on the blessedly cool metal of the toilet bowl. She had either had a very good birthday, or a truly horrible one. The jury was still out.

With the ease of long practice, her throbbing brain traced through as much time as it could. She remembered Kowloon. So far so shiny. Remembered her first drink and the plate of egg rolls that accompanied it. Still on the up and up. She remembered Mari and some guy. Houston? Austin? It didn't matter, since the Cap had stolen him out from under her. Definitely not shiny. But then someone had bought her a drink. Better. And another. Still rising. And after that it all became a blur of lemon twists, manic grins, and possibly inappropriate touching?

Su leaned out the door to the washroom, looking over her bed, still made, albeit a bit rumpled from her sleeping on it. Clearly no inappropriate touching had happened. She found a queasy sulk coming on when she heard a whistle trill down the corridor of the ship, followed by a laugh of delight as Laika went bounding out of the room.

"Well hello, girl. What's that, you say? Ah, awake is she? Lovely." the familiar voice crooned, his footsteps growing closer as Su puller herself to her feet, striking a facsimile of a dignified pose against the door of the washroom just as Ford's head appeared in the doorway to her bunk. "Good morning to you, late riser."

"Just a power nap." Su raked her hand through her hair. "Now where were we?" She strode toward him, hoping with equal measure that he would both ignore the puddle of sick on her floor, and also kindly tell her what they had actually been doing, because she had no damn idea what had happened post-Kowloon.

"Oh no." he grinned at her, a manic, toothy thing that made her stomach turn a bit. "You were out of commission for a bit. Never seen anyone toss back a Gargle Blaster like that before. Let alone three! Though seeing as you left one and change outside the ship before we took off, I suppose you're within safe limits." His casual yammering made her head spin, and she leaned against the wall, trying to parse everything he had said when the last bit caught up to her.

"Took... took off?" She didn't know how she had missed it. The vibrations under her boots, the soft hum, the stars quietly passing them by in the window over her bunk. "Oh fuck! Fuck! Mari is going to  _kill_  me!"

"Is she  _really_?! How fun!" Ford grinned at her before turning from the room and strolled toward the hall. "Wash up, why don't you? Meet us in the mess." He coughed, eyeing the pile of gargle-blasted remnants on the floor and rethinking his previous statement. "The dining hall, I mean." She called out after him, weak voice just breaking through his atonal whistling.

"Us?"

"Yes! Us!"

"Oh... Oh, gods..."

* * *

'Us' turned out to be his whole damn crew - a dreadful assembly of humanoids and aliens, all arguing loudly while rifling through the cabinets.

"You think they'd have some tea... or at least some crackers. Not just mustard. Though it is the good kind, with the seeds in it..." At least they hadn't found Mari's garden. It would be adding insult to injury if she caught up to them only to find her precious tomatoes gone.

"No booze to be found." A voice from behind caused Su, and in turn her head, to spin, brain objecting to the sight of the two-headed man emerging from the back of the ship. "Just a room filled with a plethora of the most repulsive organics I've ever seen."

"Orga- Zaphod do you mean a garden?!" A woman popped out unexpectedly from behind a counter, her sudden appearance felling an already unstable Su. She sighed at the cool of the metal against her cheek, admiring the boots just in front of her nose. 'Twas a good pair.

"I wouldn't call it that, per se..." The humans hurried past him, the clanking of their shoes on the metal floors vibrating into Su's brain, bringing up the final Gargle Blaster from the previous night as she sniffled pathetically, crawling beneath the table. Perhaps if she laid very still and very quiet, the gods would forget all about her existence and she could die. Ford patted her back sympathetically.

"There, there. I never can seem to keep them down either."

* * *

Mari never had liked sitting in the co-pilot's chair, even if it was next to Korben. In fact, perhaps less than usual next to Korben. Who would have thought the retired major would share a piloting style that rivaled Su's inimitable way with ships? She shook the last of her buzz off as he dropped out of hyper drive with a lurch, eyes falling to focus on the small beacon in her lap.

"Okay, up and to the left a bit."

"How far is a bit, exactly?"

"Dammit, I'm a pilot, not a navigator, Korben!"

"Hey, I'm more than happy to drop your pretty little ass over on that asteroid."

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."

"... Sir?" He slanted a look at her from the corner of his eyes, lips curling to the side. "I thought you wanted to find your ship, not play 'Major Hazes the Cadet'." He paused for a moment, eyes narrowing at her in thought. "You know, you do strike me kinda familiar..."

"THERE!" Mari thanked whatever celestial being chose to watch over this backwater galaxy as she spotted the rust-bucket so dear to her heart, just floating on the edge of an Oort cloud. "Quick, Dallas, let's go..."

"Keep your pants on." he grinned, reaching up to flip a switch here, a switch there, lights in the cabin of his small cruiser dimming as he eased the ship out from the shadow of the planet, edging slowly across the space between them and the  _Genrou_. "Let's try it my way..." Something in the command of his voice brought her right back to her school days, and she felt a blush tint her cheeks.

"Yes, sir."

"Careful, Mari. I could get used to that." Somehow, he brought the ship up close enough to dock on the  _Genrou_ , the rusted hull not giving away any of its secrets as Korben opened the comm links. " _Hawk_  hailing  _Genrou_ ,  _Hawk_  hailing  _Genrou_ , over." He dropped the connection, the two listening to the static that crackled back at them. " _Hawk_  hailing  _Genrou_ ,  _Hawk_  hailing  _Genrou_ , come in,  _Genrou_." He turned to her as the static crackled. "What's Genrou mean, anyway?"

"'Phantom wolf.'" she answered absently, her brow furrowed as she scanned her ship.  _Genrou's_  lights were all on, but there was nothing and no one to be seen.

"Who names their ship phantom wolf?"

"A dumb first mate, that's who." That was it. Su. This had to be part of her plan. Take the ship for a joy ride, revenge for snapping up Korben. It certainly wouldn't be the first time. Silly bint was probably hiding under the mess hall table, giggling herself silly right now. "What do you say we board?"

"Do I look like I have a death wish?"

"Not particularly, but I didn't paint you for a coward, neither. Now, c'mon." With a laugh, she aimed her best smirk at him, letting her eyelids fall to half mast. "Don't tell me the major ain't as brave as his best cadet?"

* * *

Su was most decidedly not laughing under the mess hall table. Still feeling the effects of last night's binge, she let a low, creaky groan escaped her chest, cutting through the argument between Zaphod's heads as he rifled through a cabinet, still searching for booze. If she didn't get this situation sorted right quick, Mae was never doing anything for her birthday ever again. Ford! What had that goddamn Betelgeusian put in her drinks last night? She never got bowled over this easy, not three drinks in. She was gonna get him for this. Show him what for, and what have you. All of that. Plus a little what not, for good measure.

Gorramit, pep talks were much too hard when she was this hung over!

First things first, she had to get rid of the gorram taste in her mouth. She'd been staring at the bottom of the table for the better part of five minutes, eyes tracing over the "Starwind wuz Here" scribbling over and over. Reaching up, she wrenched the newest half-chewed clump of bubblegum from the corner of the table, shoving the glob of sugary sweetness into her mouth as she slowly inched out from her hiding spot.

Next, upright, and then she'd see about moving.

"Pots, pans, condiments, organics... Where's the goddamn gin?" Zaphod huffed, knocking carefully stored utensils out of the cabinet before him. His other head was just beginning to reflect on the state of the ship's crew and their lack of priorities when a distinctly feminine voice cut through his thoughts.

"Oi." He turned to lambaste the girl with his new-found theories, but instead found himself collapsing sideways, both faces having just made none-too-gentle acquaintances with the bottom of Mari's cast-iron fry pan. The last thought in his head was, oddly enough, "Who is Jayne? And when was she here?" Su dropped the pan, hand clutching at her swirling stomach, as her boot found his ribs for good measure. A woozy smirk crossed her features as one of the two heads emitted a sharp grunt.

"No one drinks my gin, knee-biter."

* * *

Mari slid quietly through the airlock, Korben hot on her heels. He had pressed a small pistol to her hand moments before, any questions of her ability dying on his lips as she quickly and efficiently checked it over, her eyes peering down the sight before tucking it nearly in her waistband.

"What?" Mari's left eyebrow twitched in annoyance as Korben's throaty chuckle reached her ears.

"Nothing."

"You can wait on the  _Hawk_ , Major. " she hissed under her breath, scowling as she turned back down the hallway.

"And miss this?" the chuckle sounded again, earning him a growl as she held her hand up to silence him.

"Look, Dallas, you might have been hot shit back in your Alliance days. But this is my ship, and we fly by my rules. Shiny?" Korben blinked at her, something unreadable clicking into place behind his eyes as he nodded quietly, falling into step behind her. The two made their way down the hall, silent as shadows. Quick pointed gazes, the tilt of a chin, the gesture of two fingers led them in a tactical leapfrog along the hall until the sound of voices touched their ears, Mari's hand raising sharply to halt their progress. "The cockpit." Mari mouthed, pulling her pistol quietly from her waistband as she snuck closer, her back to the wall as she peered over her shoulder. An outrageously blonde woman sat in her chair - HER chair - manicured fingers touching every damn thing on the nav panel.

"Oooh, what does this button do?" the enthused female crooned, followed by the sound of wild beeping as she pressed a button at random. "Not good! Not good!" She mashed it again, silencing the alarm.

"Trillian, I don't think you should be touching anything. Ford said-"

"Oh, Ford can stuff it. I'm bored." She sat back, casting a dramatic pout at the mousy fellow who was trying to wring the last inch of life out of a rather threadbare towel. Mari swallowed the urge to march in and throttle them both as the woman resumed fidgeting with the control panel. Turning her attention back to Korben, she held up two fingers, pointing to the cockpit.

"Two in there. At least one more further in." She pointed down the hallway deeper into the ship. "We need to find Su."

"Sure you don't want me to shoot them?" He raised an eyebrow at her as she snuck past the open door.

"My ship, Dallas! My. Ship. Now come on." she hissed, slinking further down the hallway.

"Aye, aye, Captain."

* * *

Su stumbled from the mess, feeling a bit more like herself now that she had a wad of gum in her mouth and had caused a bit of violence. Though she still wasn't sure if she had imagined two heads on the man she had just laid end to end in the mess. Things were still a touch fuzzy. Thankfully she didn't need a clear head to find her way to the engine room, her feet leading her down the hallways she could have traveled blind if necessary. The way was blessedly clear, the collection of ship-jackers off to other parts of the ship.

"Messing with lord knows what, bunch of bastards." Su mumbled to herself, sliding through the hatch and into the engine rooms. "Not on my watch!" The engines purred softly, blithely unaware of the change in ownership that had occurred as the ship hovered quietly in space. Su traced her fingers lovingly over the engine casings in silent apology before she cracked open the console, ignoring the scratched "Kaylee + Su" as she buried her arms elbow deep in the jumble of gears and wires. She just had to stall them long enough for Mari to catch up. "Ok, boy, time to play."

* * *

Mari and Korben had made it as far as Su's bunk, looking for the woman and finding nothing more than a rumpled bed and a recently deposited pile of sick-up on one of Su's beloved threadbare Turkish throw rugs.

"Well, at least she's on the ship." Mari wrinkled her nose, tossing a towel over the mess and checking the washroom just in case her first mate had seen fit to pass out in it. "Hopefully she's alive, cause if someone else killed her before I-" Korben's hand suddenly slammed down over her mouth, silencing her as he forced her bodily against the wall while his free hand switched the lights off. Mari squealed in protest as his body pushed against her, earning a sharp hiss in her ear as Korben hushed her.

"What's that, girl?" the voice drifted down the hall toward them, growing louder as an eager yip sounded along side it. "Your mum, you say? Couldn't be. Just us here, see?" Mari could feel her heart pounding in her ears as the voice stilled beside Su's half open door. "Probably just her dirty socks you're smelling, my dear." Laika yipped again, her nose appearing in the doorway as she sniffed after Mari. "What say we fetch you a treat from the kitchens, yeah?" Another yip, and Laika's nose disappeared, her master forgotten in lieu of the promise of a treat as the two resumed their trek down the hallway. Mari and Korben both held their breath, waiting as the sound of feet faded in the distance. The scent of his aftershave tickled at her nose as she met his eyes in the dark, finding herself leaning into him. Korben's hand fell away from Mari's mouth, the feel of his fingers tracing down her arm breaking the momentary lapse of priorities.

"Gorram traitor of a dog." Mari cursed, squirming out from under Korben and peering out into the hallway. She slipped across the hall, motioning him to follow as she ushered him into her bunk, slipping the door closed with a careful hand.

"This isn't what I expected when you offered me a tour." Korben grumbles as he watched Mari rifling through her storage, pulling cases from hidden compartments scattered about the room and dropping them on top of the mattress. "What do you got in there?"

"Guns." Mari grunted as she heaved the last case from beneath her bed, neatly flipping the latch and tossing the lid open. "While I find being outnumbered with only a pistol exhilarating, I've always been one for tipping the odds in my favor." Korben's eyes widened as he took one of the weapons from its foam nest, turning it over in his hands.

"These are Alliance weapons. How did you get these?" Mari didn't miss a beat, pulling weapons from the cases and shouldering them with a neat efficiency as she spoke.

"By joining the Alliance." She sighed, too impatient for explanations. " Doesn't matter, you wouldn't -"

"Mari Peretti. No, Hermann, right?" That stopped her cold in her tracks, the long unused name bringing a pained look to her face. "I remember you. Damn girl, what happened to you? You were shooting up like a rocket, then you just... disappeared."

"Now is not the time, Dallas. We find Su, then we can swap sob stories, yeah?" He nodded quietly at her, shouldering his weapon and pulling another from the case when a great shudder shook the ship, the lights going dark.

"The fuck was that?" The emergency lights clicked on as a small alarm began to sound, a calm voice announcing an engine malfunction over the comms.

"That, Major Dallas, was Su." Mari's face split with a wide grin as she took off for the door, leaving Korben to stare after her before he collected himself enough to grab the unopened case on the bed and run along after her.

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

 

Su huddled in the dark, a wrench clutched in her hand and she waited for the inevitable chaos to die down and the bumbling posse of ship thieves to come looking for the problem. She should have cut the comms first, but that was Mari's territory, so a stalled engine and a barricaded hatch it was. She was fairly sure the emergency life support would hold out long enough for Mari to find her.

The pounding on the hatch door came sooner than expected, a muffled voice ringing through the rusted steel. "Su, in the name of all that's holy you open this door right now or so help me I'll vent this whole ship and you with it!" Su was on her feet in half a second, wrenching the carefully arranged crates and boxes of tools out of the way, hauling the hatch open to expose a very unamused Mari and a far too amused Korben Dallas standing on the other side.

"Mari!" Su rushed the woman, reeling back as Mari's fist met her nose soundly. "Okay. Okay. Fair, fair. I deserved that!" she sniffed, wiping her nose with a sleeve as she grinned up at Mari, who had dragged Korben into the engine room behind her.

"Damn right you did. Korben, re-barricade the door. Su and I need to have a chat. Now." Mari grabbed Su by the arm, dragging her to the back of the engine room and bearing down on her first mate with the fury of an exploding sun while she pressed an unopened weapons case into the woman's hands. "What the hell did you think you were doing?" Mari bristled, the crack in her voice belying her worry even as she bellowed at her first mate. Su wasted no time flipping the case open, arming herself while she shouted right back.

"What was I doing? What were you doing? It was my birthday, Cap!" Su roared, stepping nose to nose with Mari as she slammed a loaded magazine neatly into her gun, gesturing with it toward Korben. "Really, you just haaaaaaad to go and take that? On my birthday!"

"Technically, I saw him first."

"Don't matter. My birthday!"

"Come off it, Su. He's not even a redhead! You said you wanted a redhead!"

"Ladies, really, you don't need to -"

"Shut it, Dallas!" the two roared in unison, pausing to shout at him before returning to their glaring match, each trying to draw themselves up bigger than the other.

"It was my birthday!" Su whined, stomping her foot like a petulant child. Mari sighed, stepping back to run her hands down her face, an exasperated sigh leaving her.

"Su, remember when we were in Academy?" Mari growled from behind her hands.

"What about it?" Su pouted back, checking her sights.

"And there was that higher up who I had the hots for?" Mari's voice grew a bit weaker.

"Yeah? So?"

"And he was my superior officer? A Major. Remember, Su? The one who I never got cause he didn't know I existed?" Mari was all but groaning now, trying to dissolve into nothingness as she looked balefully at Su. "The one I kinda-sorta still fantasize about?"

"The one you...?" The woman looked between her captain and Korben for a moment before it hit her. "OHHHHHHH!" Her eyes grew wide as she looked at Korben, who, to his credit managed to not look completely stupid as the two women stared at him, their fight over as quickly as it had begun. "Him? Cap, I didn't know!"

"Yeah, yeah." Mari waved Su off as the girl tried to hug her, growling at the unwanted attention. "You still didn't have to go and steal the gorram ship!" Su had the decency to look cowed as Mari reeled on her again.

"Oh, that was me who went and took your ship." The women wheeled, guns at the ready. A smiling man stood in the doorway scratching Laika's head, a grin that made Su's look tame plastered to his face as he leaned casually against the wall. A click sounded through the air, pulling all eyes to Korben as his lips pursed tightly, parting only for a single word.

"Ford."

"Why, Dallas! My good man, so lovely to see you here. What brings you to this charming little tub?"

"Came to help the lady get it back." Dallas snorted. "From the gang of thieves that made off with it."

"Why Dallas, call me dumb, but would that be my acquaintances and I?"

"I would say so, friend."

With a dopey smile, Ford chuckled. "Friend? Oh Dallas, you silly sod. You haven't called me friend since I put that bullet in your leg." Korben's eyes narrowed, mouth twisting in a sort-of smile.

"And here I'd put that behind me. Now, tell me,  _friend_ , why did you take these lovely ladies' ship?"

"Oh, Major, I didn't know you cared..." Su growled with a smirk. A glare from Mari silenced her immediately. "Sorry, Cap. Instinct an' all..."

"Still insisting on saving the fairer sex, Dallas? When will you learn... this kind is made of stronger stuff than either of us." Ford winked at Su, eliciting a smirk from the girl. Korben grabbed his head, growling at the man's scattered line of reasoning.

"Ford! Focus. Ship. Why'd you take?!"

"Oh. Right, you are sir." Ford spun from the door, extending an arm down the hallway. "You are summoned to a meeting."

"Meeting?!"

* * *

Mari sighed, flicking the switch that silenced the voice announcing their impending doom, leaving the quiet ping and pop of the hull and the whisper of air as it creeped through the ship, only broken by the voices floating up to her from the mess.

"Well, you see, chaps-"

"Who you callin' a chap?!"

"Oh, sorry ma'am."

"Arthur, perhaps you should give me a whack at it, eh?"

"Will someone just please explain it to them?"

"UggggghhAaaaahhhh. Argh. ARGH."

"Ah, lovely! Zaphod's back to the party!"

Why? Why did Su's birthday's consistently result in chaos? Last year it was the stolen tiger that took them a full week to sell on the black market. Then the year they wound up traipsing through the Venutian sewers, Su determined to find the legendary underground cinemas. And Mari didn't even want to think about the year Su became the leader of a barbarian horde back on Earth. That had been a regular shit show. Plopping down next to Korben, she reached into her boot, taking a long pull off of her flask before passing it to the man beneath the table, winking as his curious eyes found her face. Turning back to the situation at hand, she focused on Su's tirade.

"...and finally, it's my birthday! Y'all should never drug a girl and steal her ship on her birthday."

"Well, she's has got a point there."

"Oh Arthur, do shut up. Nobody celebrates birthdays anymore!" Zaphod turned to the girl, frowns on both faces as they focused on her. "Look, girlie. I am sorry you're a year closer to dying, but we need your ship! See, some crazy old coot made off with ours and it's imperative we get it back. Besides, we haven't had naught to eat in hours."

"Or drink!" chipped in Zaphod's secondary head.

"It's my turn to apologize, but didn't you gang steal our ship from Kowloon?" Mari scoffed. "The  _restaurant_?"

"Oh don't be silly, girl, they haven't served for free in ages."

"Why didn't we eat there, after all?"

"Shhh, Arthur, this is getting good!"

"Don't you call her girl, you two-headed freak!"

"Says the devotchka who thinks a fry pan is a weapon!"

"No, but really, it's a–"

"Why, I oughta...!"

Korben slammed the flask down on the table, interrupting Zaphod and Su's escalating bickering and calling the attention of the rest of those seated around the table. "Enough. Jesus. You people don't know when to shut the fuck up." He took another deep swallow of the liquor, tucking the metal back into Mari's hands. "Look. You need to find your ship. We want you off this one. Why don't you just take my goddamn boat and go out after Zarniwa-Zarniwe-Zarniwhatever who stole yours? You're happy, the ladies are happy, and my insurance covers the 'theft'. End of story." The group of brigands peered at each other, trying to calculate the next move through a complex and utterly confusing series of brow quirks, eye squints and lip twitches.

"No." Zaphod intoned darkly. Mari made a choking noise in her throat as she coughed roughly, pulling the flask from her lips and slamming it on the mess table.

"What do you mean, 'no'?" She cast a dark glance at the strange man, her hands curling into fists as he sat back in the chair, crossing his arms defiantly as one head looked away, and the other glared her down, extending it's tongue in her direction like a child.

"I don't take orders from you, girl. If I want your run-down waste of scrap metal, I'll take it." The room fell still, Su's quiet gasp the only sound as the assembled crew blinked silently, all eyes on Mari, who had grown very calm, her shoulders shaking as she braced herself on the table.

"Aw shit, now ya done it." Su hissed, backing away from the table as she watched Mari's hands ball into fists on the cool metal counter top.

"You can insult me." Mari whispered as she looked up at him, her long, blue ropes of hair falling in her eyes. "You can insult Su. But no one, NO ONE, insults my ship you... you..."

"Oh, a word game!" Ford trilled, clapping his hands. "Let's see, now? Frakking aardvark?"

"B'zugda hiara?" Trillian offered helpfully, earning a baleful glance from one of Zaphod's heads as it opened its mouth to speak.

"Gol-monging snitrag!" Ford countered, cutting him off and laughing as Mari reached for her guns. Zaphod had the good sense to look suitably concerned by this point as he helplessly tried to interject.

"Zarking fardwark?" This one from Arthur, blushing through his grin as Ford congratulated him and slapped him firmly on the back. Mari leveled two of her weapons at Zaphod's twin heads.

"Tell me no again, you _liu kou shui de biao zi he hou zi de er zi._ " At her words, a loud beeping trilled from Zaphod's person, his eyes falling shut as the sound drew the attention of the assembled to his jacket pocket.

"Well, now you've gone and done it." he sighed as he reached in, pulling out a tiny, palm sized ship. Mari lowered the guns, staring dumbly at the small, beeping thing.

"What? Is? That?"

"Well, you see..." one of Zaphod's heads stammered, looking away sheepishly, "I may have found it best in our collective interests to, ehm, shrink the ship?"

"That's our ship? The  _Heart of Gold_? No way!" Trillian snatched the miniature vehicle, turning it over in her hands with a wide smile. "It's so small!" A small wooshing noise escaped her lips as she zoomed it through the air like a toy.

"Yes, about that." Zaphod snatched it back, tossing it back and forth between his hands nervously. "The shrinking process had a verbal override. One that your clever word game found quite handily. In hindsight, probably not the most inspired idea, that. "

"Zarking fardwark. It was zarking fardwark, wasn't it?" Arthur moaned, his head falling into his hands mournfully. "Why do I always do these things?"

"No. I was actually quite clever about it." Zaphod had the gall to look offended, sniffing indignantly. "How was I to know that the garbled, pidgin nonsense these humans were always spouting would be so close to the ancient Grenordian tongue." He cast a particularly sour glance at Mari. "And my mother did not drool! Much." Across the table, Korben let out a low groan, snapping his fingers to gather their scattered attention.

"How long until it smokes us?" Zaphod's left head tilted to the side, contemplating Korben's question for a moment.

"With all the time we wasted, I'd say three more minutes. It was a pleasure knowing you lot. Well, most of you, anyhow." The assembled crew shared a moment of silence before a frenzied chaos broke out, shouts and shrieks vying for dominance as they contemplated exactly what would happen when a ship four times the size of the  _Genrou_  tried to appear inside it. Only Ford seemed delighted at the prospect of discovering first hand what that ride would be like.

"Everyone! Into the Hawk." Mari ordered.

"Cap'n." Su held up a finger in the chaos, trying to gain Mari's attention as the captain dragged Zaphod to his feet by his lapels, tossing him towards the hallway.

"They're not going to fit." Korben objected.

"Cap!"

"Not now, Su. You make them fit, Dallas!" Mari was pushing Trillian and Arthur after Zaphod while whistling for Laika, who had taken up residence on Ford's lap, tail thumping against the chair as the man told her stories of what would happen when they were all crushed and pushed out in the vacuum of space.

"And then, my dear, in... How much longer Zaphod?" Ford grinned.

"Two minutes."

"Lovely. In two minutes, the ship will explode, most likely grinding us into paste while..."

"Oh dear god, we're going to die." Arthur moaned, strangling his poor towel.

"OI!" Su jumped to her feet, stilling the nonsense as they all blinked her. With a calm the monks of ancient China would have envied, Su crawled over the table, snatching the ship from Zaphod's limp fingers and stalking off down the hallway. They all watched in stunned silence as she disappeared, the sound of flushing drifted into the mess as the beeping ceased, shortly followed by the reappearance of Su, who sat down quietly, peering around at her wide-eyed company. "What? As you were."

Mari was about to open her mouth to say something when the  _Genrou_ lurched violently sideways, throwing them all into a heap on the floor as the sound of metal on metal echoed through the ship. All save for Su, who had enough foresight to brace herself. Mari groaned, opening her eyes to blink at the underside of the table, unsure if she should be more cross about the colorful collection of gum or the small collection of names scratched into it. She was contemplating the last time anyone named Starbuck had been on her ship, let alone under the mess table, when an unhappy groan sounded by her ear. Korben Dallas was measuring his length on the floor next to her as the rest of the gang crawled to their feet around them.

His eyes locked onto hers as he blinked a few times, mouth quirking into a lopsided smile. "Did she just... ?"

"Ah-yup." Mari snickered, covering her face in her hands to muffle her laughter as voices echoed through the ship to her ears. Trillian's shouted her delight as she spotted the _Heart of Gold_ through the living room window, looming large over the  _Genrou_. Mari peered through her fingers, watching as Korben rolled onto his stomach, propping himself over her on his elbows as he grinned down at her.

"Well, you did say exciting. You don't disappoint." She watched as his face inched closer to hers, eyes fluttering shut just as a pair of hands seized her around the ankles, sliding her out from under the table and pulling her to her feet before she could formulate a protest. She opened her eyes to find Ford smiling widely at her.

"So, it appears we are once again in possession of a ship." He smiled at Mari, patting her on the back soundly as she watched Korben crawl out from under the table. She turned her attention back to Ford, eyeing him carefully.

"Seems like."

"It also appears that we owe both of you an apology." Mari eyed Su, who was sitting primly in her chair, trying not to be smug and failing miserably.

"Again, seems like." Ford left Mari's side, falling to a knee before Su and taking her hand in his with a showy flourish, looking up at her theatrically as he implored her.

"My dear, however can I repay for not only saving us from a terrible, if delightfully exciting fate, but for utterly destroying the memorial of the day of your birth?" Su pondered the man for a moment before cracking into a wide grin.

"I want a sombrero."

"Consider it done!"

"And a taco!" Su clapped her hands in delight.

"But of course. Anything for you!"

"And an eeeeeegg rooooooll!"

So it was that they all found themselves tucked back into a booth at Kowloon, their party of two expanded to a party of seven as they all jammed together into the plush booth. Even Zaphod had come around, becoming much more pleasant upon the discovery that one of their android companions, a rather despondent thing by the name of Marvin, had been left behind and had taken up position as a valet, parking the endless stream of spaceships in the lot outside the restaurant, and had begrudgingly agreed to let the Betelgeusian drink all the gin he cared to on his tab.

"To not being dead!" Su cheered, raising her third coconut turned monkey high into the air, splashing both Ford and Arthur as she wriggled happily in her seat.

"So... cadet. How about a real tour of your ship?" Korben's smokey voice brushed against her ear as his arm slid across the top of the booth behind her. "Not that I didn't appreciate the action-packed version..."

Mari contemplated him over the rim of her bourbon, gently licking the taste from her lips. "I'm afraid not, Korben."

"No?" Dallas raised an eyebrow, eliciting a grin from Mari.

"I know, Major, it's not a word normally in your vocabulary, and I do hate to disappoint," she leaned in a little closer, voice lowering conspiratorially, "but let's face it – it'll always be better in my head."

Across the table Su squealed in delight as Ford dragged her and her coconut monkey from the table, hollering something about Betelgeusian death anthems and gazelle interrogation. As Su allowed herself to be tugged away, she toasted Mari. "BEST! BIRTHDAY! EVER!"

* * *

_Music: 2 Drunk 2 Fuck – Elektrik Haze_


End file.
